Our play was finally over. I personally think we have a big chance of getting into the Top 3 or even the coveted first place. See, it was a tradition for 3rd years to have vaudeville and it’s going on for three years now. The first place is highly sought-after not because of the cash prize since I highly doubt that a measly sum of money will be enough to entice students (which I will not disclose for fear of retribution from the student council or whoever organized this). For me, besides the 50% grade for our literature course, it’s more of the bragging rights. To be the champion of your Junior year vaudeville will never be forgotten long after you graduated. But not to get my hopes too high, I’ll just talk about what happened in the past few days leaving the play out of it.
So Vaudeville aside, I have been truly blessed and thankful because I was given the chance to read an advanced copy of Hallowed by Cynthia Hand. (Thank you HarperCollins and Netgalley. Mwah!) I absolutely loved Unearthly and I can’t get enough of Clara and the angel world but mostly, I missed Tucker. And Christian. If only I can have them both. Sighs.
Anyway, the suspense was killing me so I decided to take it a step further and delay the agony even longer. I decided to clean my stuff and organized the mess that was beginning to build in my dormitory. While I was cleaning, I happened to read one of my journal entries back in 2009. I was into that stuff when I was in my 4th year high school and I carried it on until my first semester in college. And boy was I glad to read it back again.
[Skim if you must, but skipping is highly recommended ;) PS. If you decided to bear the torture, the journal is written as is. No revisions we’re made. Pardon the grammar.]
Who’s that girl? I was like this highly animated person talking about something I can’t even remember now. But what mostly struck me was my speaking voice. I don’t recognize myself. I was amused by my 16-year old self but it still felt foreign to me and I don’t why. Then it hit me that maybe I stop connecting with my inner self. I begin to lose that crazy jolly little voice inside my head. The one who notices everything. The one who keeps track of every events no matter how trivial they are. The one who observes and listens all the time. The one who can go from one emotion to the next. It must mean that I am becoming a more mature person but I did not feel any satisfaction at that thought at all. Maybe because I fear that I am losing my innocent side, the carefree side. Time is mostly a factor here. I become super busy with life as I know it. I was sidetracked by studies and the future prospect of my budding career.
I don’t want to lose that person. Hell, I don’t even want my studies and my hobbies to collide. There’s supposed to be time for everything, for fun and serious stuffs to mesh. But I can’t seem to figure out how I can make them at least compliment each other. And I am seriously contemplating now whether I picked the right career.
But, I will try to find that special place. Between nursing, caring, reading, blogging, and writing is where I think I am most happy. I pray to God that in time, everything will fall in their right places. I just hope that the old, present, and future me will survive the wait.