Random Ramblings (5): Losing Myself and Finding My Voice

Our play was finally over. I personally think we have a big chance of getting into the Top 3 or even the coveted first place. See, it was a tradition for 3rd years to have vaudeville and it’s going on for three years now. The first place is highly sought-after not because of the cash prize since I highly doubt that a measly sum of money will be enough to entice students (which I will not disclose for fear of retribution from the student council or whoever organized this). For me, besides the 50% grade for our literature course, it’s more of the bragging rights. To be the champion of your Junior year vaudeville will never be forgotten long after you graduated. But not to get my hopes too high, I’ll just talk about what happened in the past few days leaving the play out of it.

So Vaudeville aside, I have been truly blessed and thankful because I was given the chance to read an advanced copy of Hallowed by Cynthia Hand. (Thank you HarperCollins and Netgalley. Mwah!) I absolutely loved Unearthly and I can’t get enough of Clara and the angel world but mostly, I missed Tucker. And Christian. If only I can have them both. Sighs.

Anyway, the suspense was killing me so I decided to take it a step further and delay the agony even longer. I decided to clean my stuff and organized the mess that was beginning to build in my dormitory. While I was cleaning, I happened to read one of my journal entries back in 2009. I was into that stuff when I was in my 4th year high school and I carried it on until my first semester in college. And boy was I glad to read it back again. 

[Skim if you must, but skipping is highly recommended ;) PS. If you decided to bear the torture, the journal is written as is. No revisions we’re made. Pardon the grammar.]

Tues, Nov 3, somewhere in the house, 8:41 PM 

Talk about embarrassing! If I have fair skin. I should or could have blush from mortification. But I won’t tell it since it would ruin the mood of the year. Yes, I really should focus on writing because we’re beyond speaking in English class. Not that I really learned or become skilled at it seeing as I only gawked at the professor while she attempted to provide vivacity and verve in our monotonous lecture. Don’t blame us. We’ve been in the campus for almost a day and we’ve just faced the horrors of chemistry class so reasonably, we had given almost all our moral fiber, resilience and stamina. Visualize that in a less dramatic way and you’ll see the point. She drearily continues her lesson and those who still have their grit’s intact participates in class which is sadly only composed of ¼ of our class population. And I’m one of those who didn’t speak at least once. Yeah, I know it’s maddening but I just can’t seem to build my courage to do so. So, imagine my relief when I actually breezed through my impromptu speech. Well, I was held off until the last minute, which meant I’ve been tortured for two days and the rest of the week before I finally deliver my spur-of-the-moment speech. You might say that I should be fully ready for this once in a lifetime moment and I’m not at all jittery but I’m feeling the exact opposite. When my name was finally called, I don’t know if I’ll be relieved or distressed but I chose the former since the butterflies in my stomach begun to morphed into bats and I seriously don’t want to have a severe case of diarrhea before my speech. Feeling all shaky, I stood up and gulp for extra oxygen to defreeze my brain. All the time while I was walking to the box of fate, (that’s the box of questions), I was wishing the topic would not be about politics. Fortunately, my prayers were answered. My question was: What do you appreciate most in English class? That question could be answered honestly or disingenuously. For a change, I picked the latter since I saw the smile of the professor and no way will I spoil her restrained amusement. I should be given extra credits for my heroic deed, right? After a quick help from a genius friend, I prattled on about having been blessed and honored to be able to study in my university. Then I said stuff like (insert mouthing genius friend thoughts) being able to express ourselves. I hoped they did not ponder about it much because genius friend’s idea turned out to be perplexing. I quickly went on with my speech and ended up thanking everyone in class. I think they enjoyed it because they clapped when it’s over which is a rare feat because they never did that on the previous speeches that day. I am clearly bragging now but I am really just contented with myself. Enough of these effronteries (got that word from a book I’m reading. Ha!). I should sleep now. Ciao!

Who’s that girl? I was like this highly animated person talking about something I can’t even remember now. But what mostly struck me was my speaking voice. I don’t recognize myself. I was amused by my 16-year old self but it still felt foreign to me and I don’t why. Then it hit me that maybe I stop connecting with my inner self. I begin to lose that crazy jolly little voice inside my head. The one who notices everything. The one who keeps track of every events no matter how trivial they are. The one who observes and listens all the time. The one who can go from one emotion to the next. It must mean that I am becoming a more mature person but I did not feel any satisfaction at that thought at all. Maybe because I fear that I am losing my innocent side, the carefree side. Time is mostly a factor here. I become super busy with life as I know it. I was sidetracked by studies and the future prospect of my budding career. 

I don’t want to lose that person. Hell, I don’t even want my studies and my hobbies to collide. There’s supposed to be time for everything, for fun and serious stuffs to mesh. But I can’t seem to figure out how I can make them at least compliment each other. And I am seriously contemplating now whether I picked the right career.

But, I will try to find that special place. Between nursing, caring, reading, blogging, and writing is where I think I am most happy. I pray to God that in time, everything will fall in their right places. I just hope that the old, present, and future me will survive the wait.